Tuesday 31 July 2012

Me and London Jimmy




So there‘s me and London Jimmy strolling down the Kings Road and he says he’s just seen The Who.

“Where?” I ask him. ‘Cause I’m thinking he must mean he’s seen them at one of this city’s fine rock ‘n’ roll venues – you know, like the O2 or Hammersmith Palais.

“No...no...you’ve missed them,” Jimmy tells me. “They must have disappeared into a shop”.

“Like Tesco?” I ask him my friend, sarcastically.

“Don’t be stupid. Do you see a Tesco?” He asks me.

“So you’re telling me, you’ve just seen The Who, all of them out shopping together?”

“And your problem is?” He sneers back.

“All of them?”

“All of them.”

“Including Keith Moon?” I ask, drawing him into a trap.

“Including Keith Moon,” he assures me.

“But he’s dead,” I say with a ‘that’s one to me, stick that in your pipe and smoke it’ kind of look, “And so’s the bass player,” I add with a final flourish.

London Jimmy continues walking up Kings Road ahead of me and I’m ‘oh, ho’, he must be in a huff. Then he stops, looks around and says...
“You are a twat and a jock twat at that.”
Then he disappears into a shop where he’s probably pursuing The Who.

Okay, me and London Jimmy have had our sticky moments but we’ve had some of life’s great adventures, as well.

One fine summer’s day, me and London Jimmy were heading down to a pub at London Bridge to me meet some TV punter or other – Steve someone - as London Jimmy wants to tell him a few of our stories, and believe me we’ve got more than a few to tell.
Me and LJ are the first in this rather Dickensian pub, I have a rather cheeky wee Italian beer and he has a Skittle’s Vodka – now you’re sitting there thinking ‘what’s a Skittle’s Vodka’ and I would have to tell you that it’s Skittle sweeties and vodka. Now if you don’t mind, can I get on with the story?

So this “Media Guy” - yes I did just make rabbit signs with my fingers. This “Media Guy” fails to show but instead in walks this rather charming and minging wee man by the name of Cuthbert, something we find out after we’ve bought him his third Skittle’s Vodka. Curiosity had gotten the better of him and he asked what London Jimmy was imbibing (that’s the way Cuthbert talks).
And the end of a quite charming and yet heavy session Cuthbert, London Jimmy and myself retire to Cuthbert’s set of apartments just off Zampa road.

Turns out that Cuthbert is both an alien and a Millwall supporter. Yeh, you heard me right, a Millwall supporter. It seems that he’s been here for years waiting on the mother ship to take him back home and while he was waiting, he thought he would take in a game of footie to while away the hours. He is an official member of the Neil Harris fan club.

Apparently Cuthbert has been here, on earth, for a good wee while and has known all the great and the good. For instance, when Millwall first started up as a bona fida football club in 1885, Cuthbert was there watching all the early footie matches. It was at one of those games that he met the great writer Robert Louis Stevenson (or Scottish Bob as Cuthbert called him) – Cuthbert swears that it was him who gave Scottish Bob the idea of writing Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde – on account of Cuthbert’s temper.

It was apparently Cuthbert’s temper that got him into trouble more than once. In 1888, when Millwall were having a particularly bad season Cuthbert found himself walking around the East End with a good drink in him. Aliens aren’t that good at drinking apparently and well, he would wake up in the morning covered in blood and with surgical equipment beside him.

“You get drunk a few times and they start calling you Jack the Ripper”

London Jimmy said it sounded better than Cuthbert the Ripper and we all had to agree.

So where is all this going to end with Cuthbert?

Well Cuthbert says he’s staying on in Earth until Millwall win the FA Cup.

We’ll see.




bobby stevenson 2012

Something Hopeful

Just as the dusk reluctantly surrenders to the night
And the everyday noises transform to ghostly in nature
Just as the moon beams jettison across a lonely corridor
And the shadows waltz unobserved
Just I have given up hope of any miracle
It is at that point my heart skips a beat
And I clumsily swallow a breath,
Because I can hear the creak on the stairs
And I know something hopeful is finally  coming into my life






bobby stevenson 2012

Thursday 26 July 2012

Be Kind


The night of him looking at the stars was the night that everything changed.

That night as the planets danced overhead, a thought grabbed him and shot right up his nose and into his brain, almost taking his breath away.

Here he was abandoned in Space, a traveller and whatever the dimensions of this universe there could only be so many travellers.

Whatever brought him or sent him to this place -  that whatever he was going through was unique – perhaps what he was experiencing really meant something. There was a reason for his being

If that was true, then everyone else he knew or met or saw was travelling too – all of them wound up by a key and sent on a path with little decision on their part of what they should take.

If they had been moulded by a god: the woman in the bakery, or the postman, or the kid who always cried, then they had an angel at their birth – but even if their heart, their existence or their imagination was an accident of the universe – they were still unique, still special, still a traveller.

So when he jumped to conclusions or jumped to attention or jumped out of the way, he told himself to remember – no one asked to be a traveller.
Be kind.




bobby stevenson 2012 "we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars..."

Wednesday 25 July 2012

Beautiful Lies



The sun has almost set,
Out there,
Somewhere across a sea where we once played.
This sand has scents of earth and damp
Where we rest our weary bodies,
And talk of lives betrayed.
Last time, we clung to life in that apartment
Which looked out across Gorky Park
And we swam in vodka truths
There was no bed, but we made do with what was there.
But now, unspoken, we know that this is all for one last time
And so deliver each final line
Safely wrapped and given in beautiful lies. 





bobby stevenson 2012

Stealing Moses by Bobby Stevenson



Stealing Moses:  First Scenes of Screenplay - presented to BAFTA TV April, 2012


INT. BRITNEY’S FLAT. JOSH’S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

A PAIR OF BATTERED LADIES’ SHOES.
The owner is unconscious and someone is pulling her along the hall.
The woman is BRITNEY (30) - she’ll tell you she’s 24.
Her 14 year old son, JOSH is the proof of that lie.
Britney is a party girl and at the moment, she’s the aftermath. Josh has done this a dozen times before.




INT. BRITNEY’S FLAT. BRITNEY’S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING


BRITNEY is snoring on her back. 
JOSH is undressing her to her bra and pants. The situation doesn’t phase him.
He places the money, probably given by customers on the bedside table.
He places a cover over his mother and then studies her.
He KISSES her on the forehead. This is LOVE.


INT. BRITNEY’S FLAT. KITCHEN - MORNING

JOSH, the ‘little man of the house’ is making a cup of tea. He sits at a breakfast table which is a little too big for him.
He sips his tea. He’s used to making his own breakfast.


EXT. BRITNEY’S FLAT. DOORWAY - MORNING


A communal corridor that all the front doors share.
As JOSH is leaving for school, OPRAH, black(35), Josh’s next door neighbour is leaving her flat with MOSES, black (10), her son. She is holding him with a more than normal grip. She doesn’t want him to escape.
OPRAH pulls MOSES to face forward. MOSES keeps looking back at JOSH, then he smiles, a smile that would break even the hardest of hearts.
OPRAH turns to see what MOSES is looking at. When she sees it’s JOSH , she rushes away pulling MOSES even faster.
She doesn’t want her son to mix with this boy.

INT. BRITNEY’S FLAT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

A reborn BRITNEY is touching up her makeup using the hall mirror. She is blinged up for another night out.
She’s not a prostitute but if her gentlemen friends want to leave a little something next to the bed, then who is she to argue.


INT. JOSH’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Josh is lying in his room with a computer screen he’s drawn on a piece of paper. He’s making the noises as if he’s playing a game on the fake computer.

BRITNEY (O.S.)
Remember....don’t answer...

JOSH
Answer the door to no one.
I won’t.


BRITNEY (O.S.)
No staying up late.

The CLOCK in the bedroom says 10.30pm.

JOSH
I won’t.

BRITNEY (O.S.)
Love you. Kiss, kiss.

JOSH
Love you too.

From the hallway the DOOR SLAMS. JOSH continues to play his game.
There is a DISTANT MOANING and CRYING from through the wall.
JOSH puts his ear to the wall.
He can hear MOSES crying.


EXT. BRITNEY’S FLAT. DOORWAY - AFTERNOON


JOSH is dragging his feet returning home. As he passes Oprah’s house, MOSES is at the window. MOSES smiles at JOSH.
Then MOSES disappears as if he’s been yanked away from the window.
OPRAH appears at the window. She waves to JOSH to get away from her window.

OPRAH
Shoo! Shoo!

She stares at him until he leaves.


INT. BRITNEY’S FLAT. JOSH’S BEDROOM - AFTERNOON

The bedroom is full of Josh’s imagination and very little else.
JOSH is drawing the face of MOSES. This boy IS an artist.
SCREAMING FROM THE BEDROOM NEXT DOOR.
It sounds as if someone is being murdered.
JOSH, who’s heard it all, even he is alarmed.


EXT. OPRAH’S FLAT. DOORWAY - AFTERNOON

JOSH stands at the door and even out here, the screaming is LOUD.
JOSH knocks on the door, then BANGS, then THUMPS. There is no response but the screaming is gaining in intensity.
JOSH sees a top window is open. He climbs onto the window sill and reaches inside to open the larger window.


INT. OPRAH’S FLAT. LOUNGE - AFTERNOON


JOSH climbs in the window and immediately notices how much more like a home this room is.
The screaming brings him back to the present.
JOSH rushes through the flat (which is the exact opposite of his) he finds the room without problem.
JOSH tries to open the door of Moses’ bedroom but it’s locked.
He takes a run at it with his shoulder but JOSH comes off the worst.
The screaming from inside, continues and gets more severe.

JOSH
Hold on, I’m coming.

JOSH is just about to take a huge run at the goddamn door when he sees the key in the lock.


INT. OPRAH’S FLAT. MOSES’ BEDROOM - AFTERNOON


What ever JOSH was expecting to find it wasn’t this.
MOSES is lying on the floor screaming and in the midst of  a mental meltdown.
The room is covered with religious paraphernalia. Posters, symbols, bibles.
JOSH kneels down on the floor and comforts the younger boy. The screaming changes to sobbing.   
The sobbing moves to whimpering.
MOSES is calming down, at last.
JOSH looks around the room and spots the only non-religious item on the walls.
A POSTCARD OF HASTINGS.
Trying not disturb MOSES, JOSH leans over and takes the postcard from the wall.
Josh turns the card over and on it is written:
“We’ll go here one day, promise”

JOSH
Your Dad’s gone?

MOSES rubs his runny nose and eyes, then nods.

JOSH (CONT’D)
Would you go, if I took you - to Hastings. I know I’m not your dad.

MOSES gives the biggest smile in the history of smiles.
MOSES gives JOSH a hug.


EXT. BLOCK OF FLATS. YARD - DAY

JOSH sits in the yard watching the doors of the flats. This morning, it’s a Saturday and things are more relaxed.
OPRAH leave her home alone after locking the front door.
JOSH hides behind a wall until she’s disappeared towards the bus stop.


INT. BRITNEY’S FLAT. BRITNEY’S BEDROOM - DAY

Britney lies snoring.
JOSH has a look on his face that says he’s fighting his conscience.
He makes a decision by displaying a ‘whatever’ expression.
JOSH takes the money from his mother’s bedside table and pockets it.
Thinks about it and counts out a few notes and puts some of the money back on the table.
JOSH shrugs - he’s just being fair as far as he can see.


INT. OPRAH’S FLAT. LOUNGE - DAY


JOSH coming through the window of Oprah’s place in his usual house-breaking fashion.


INT. OPRAH’S FLAT. KITCHEN - DAY


JOSH is stuffing food from Oprah’s kitchen into a small rucksack. He eats a couple of the nicer things.


EXT. OPRAH’S FLAT. DOORWAY - DAY

JOSH looks out of the door to make sure the coast is clear.
JOSH and MOSES make a run for it.
MOSES has all the wrong gear on - you get that feeling that JOSH has had a hand in the fashion advice.


EXT. BUS STATION - DAY


At the bus station, JOSH and MOSES escape aboard the bus for HASTINGS.


INT. BUS - DAY

MOSES’ mouth is covered in all the crap he’s been fed by JOSH. Moses is probably having a sugar rush.
The two of them are HAPPY.
MOSES points to everything out of the window.
JOSH is pleased with himself.


EXT. HASTINGS. SEAFRONT - DAY


JOSH buys MOSES a ‘KISS ME QUICK’ hat (assuming they still have them).
JOSH hands MOSES a T-shirt he’s just bought for him, but MOSES won’t change in public.

JOSH
(indicating behind a hut)
Go over there.

JOSH stands to the side of the hut as MOSES hands out his old shirt.
MOSES comes out pleased as punch with an ‘I’m With Stupid’ type shirt.
MOSES looks down at his shirt as his face grows from concern into the biggest of grins. 

JOSH (CONT’D)
You like it, then?

MOSES nods his head, enthusiastically. JOSH ruffles MOSES’ hair.


INT. HASTINGS. CHIP SHOP - DAY

Looking through the counter glass MOSES’ face appears and disappears.
MOSES is bobbing up and down to see the battered fish and hamburgers on the hot plates.
Eventually JOSH takes pity and lifts MOSES up who points to the biggest fish in the oven. Followed by a grin.


EXT. HASTINGS. BEACH - DAY

JOSH and MOSES are sitting on the stony beach next to the fishing boats devouring their food.
The seagulls have smelled the fish and chips and are gathering like Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’.

JOSH
Maybe we’d better move. Quick.


EXT. HASTING. CAR PARK - DAY

As they run along the car park the seagulls are going mental - the Hasting’s Angry Birds always do this.
JOSH
Throw a chip.
MOSES throws a few chips on the car park and this distracts the seagulls for a short time.
MOSES and JOSH keep throwing part of their fish and chips ‘overboard’ to get rid of the birds.
Eventually they dump their food and save themselves.


INT. OPRAH’S FLAT. HALLWAY - DAY


OPRAH enters her flat and her hall and immediately senses something is wrong.
Moses’ door is lying open.


INT. OPRAH’S FLAT. MOSES’ BEDROOM - DAY

OPRAH rushes into the room and SCREAMS in fear and anger.
There is a gap where the POSTCARD of HASTINGS was stuck on the wall.
It takes a moment, then it hits her.


EXT. OPRAH’S FLAT. DOORWAY

OPRAH dashes out of her flat and starts BANGING on Josh’s door.
There is NO ANSWER
Oprah slides down the door and starts SOBBING.


EXT. HASTINGS. STREET - DAY

MOSES and JOSH come flying around the corner. JOSH stops and leans against a wall to catch his breath.
He puts out a hand to stop MOSES. They both lean against the wall and MOSES looks up to JOSH as if he’s starting to see him as the big brother he’s never had.
MOSES is starting to thaw out and holds JOSH’s hand.


EXT. OPRAH’S FLAT - STREET


A CAR pulls up with THREE MEN AND TWO WOMEN.
The CAR HORN is SOUNDED.
Oprah looks over the bannister.
She runs down several flights of stairs then jumps in the car.


INT. HASTINGS. CAFE - DAY


Josh and Moses are licking ice cream and sitting looking out the window like the big kids they are.
They are HAPPY!


EXT. MOTORWAY - DAY
The Oprah Posse Mobile is heading to Hastings. OPRAH is reading the Bible.

MAN
God will look after your boy. Be not afraid.


EXT. HASTINGS. FAIRGROUND - EVENING

It’s a SMALL family run fairground.
Whatever this ride JOSH and MOSES are on, it obviously suits someone of MOSES’ age rather than JOSH’s.
MOSES has transformed into a happy little boy, his smile is lighting the sky.


EXT. HASTINGS. STREET - EVENING


Oprah and her friends have arrived in HASTINGS.


EXT. HASTINGS. FAIRGROUND. BIG WHEEL - EVENING

While MOSES and JOSH are spying on the world from the wheel - Josh spots OPRAH WITH A POSSE OF THREE MEN AND TWO WOMEN.
OPRAH has come for her boy and nothing is going to stop her.
The big wheel can’t drop fast enough for JOSH. As it reaches the bottom, he’s hanging from the side.
JOSH gets impatient and makes himself and MOSES jump from the Big Wheel Cabin before it reaches the drop off point.
MOSES thinks this is some sort of game.
JOSH makes MOSES run through and out of the back of the fairground. So they’re heading the opposite way from Oprah.


EXT. BUSH - DUSK

MOSES and JOSH are hiding behind a bush. Josh has a look.

JOSH
I think we’ve lost them.

MOSES
Who?

JOSH can see that MOSES is in some discomfort.

JOSH
What wrong with you?

MOSES
I need to pee.

JOSH
What about over there?

MOSES SHAKES his head. He’s having none of it.

MOSES
I need to pe-e-e-e.

JOSH
So you said.

MOSES
I don’t like going out side. God can see you.

JOSH and MOSES run off.


INT. PUBLIC TOILETS - NIGHT

JOSH is standing in front of a cubicle, guarding his new wee brother.

JOSH
You wont even pee in here?

MOSES (O.C.)
No. I told you.

A VERY SUSPICIOUS LOOKING MAN enters the toilet. He goes over to the urinal but keeps looking back at JOSH.

JOSH
(To MAN)
What? I am not a bum boy, if that’s what you’re thinking.

MOSES thinks he’s being talked to.

MOSES (O.C.)
What’s a bum boy, Josh?

The MAN looks forward and pees.

JOSH
I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to this pervert out here.

MOSES (O.C.)
God will punish him, Josh.

JOSH
More like the Old Bill. Don’t worry, he’s not a real pervert, just some sad old bloke.

The MAN hurries out the toilet.
A NEWSPAPER CUTTING is slid under the door by MOSES.
JOSH looks down.

JOSH (CONT’D)
Is that what you wiped your ass with?

MOSES (O.C.)
It’s about my dad.

JOSH picks up the newspaper cutting and starts to read.

JOSH
Blimey! Who’s Jesus of Bromley?

MOSES (O.C.)
That’s him, my dad.

JOSH
It says here he ran off with one of his church members. She was only 17. Blimey! And now he preaches in Bromley High Street seeking forgiveness from the Lord. Hasn’t you mother gone round and belted him one?

MOSES (O.C.)
She says he is the devil.

JOSH
A bloomin’ lucky devil, more like.

MOSES (O.C.)
I miss him, Josh. I miss my dad so much.

Sunday 22 July 2012

Sunday's Whisper by Bobby Stevenson



I know all of this is crazy
Every last crazy second of it
And I know that there have been bad times
And good times, and times that it hurts so bad that
You feel as if your heart has stopped.
But there has been laughter too, and friendship
And all the silent victories.
And love, most importantly, love.
No matter what form it’s taken.
So yeh, I know it’s crazy,
What with all of this going on and no reason for any of it,
But I’m going give it a try for another day
Just to see what happens.

Friday 20 July 2012

Not Quite Shakespeare



Thus open up the sky this night
And bid your dreams, a last hurrah,
Take countenance in this way of things
Where secret thoughts are laid out ruddy bare,
For those who pick and claw at notions such as these.

We are but mortal cages
Who, having trapped a passing ghost
Resuscitate, and so convincing Heaven that
We are not those empty shells
But dancing japes whose godless slivers
Will pin us to this earth
Henry IX, Act 2, Sc 3


bobby stevenson 2013 

Saturday 14 July 2012

Can You Hear The Ticking, Ma? by Bobby Stevenson


Can you hear the ticking ma of the clock upon the wall?
The time is fast approaching when we won't be here at all.

Can you hear the bombers ma as they fly above our heads?
They’re only trying to end it ma, get ready to be dead.

Can you see the mushroom cloud? Tell pa to come and look,
It’s lighting up the kitchen, setting fire to a book.

Can you feel the wind ma as it blows us all away?
Soon we’ll all be dust ma, only shadows left to play.

Can you hear the ticking ma of the clock upon the wall?
The time is fast approaching when we won't be here at all.

Friday 6 July 2012

Good Times by Bobby Stevenson




Early comedy script - first few pages. Very Scottish.

INT. RAILWAY STATION – DAY 
A provincial railway station on the Scottish West coast.  JOHNNY MCINTYRE, 50s, is tanned and looks as if he’s been dipped in another culture. Next to Johnny is ARCHIE, 10, and Johnny’s son. Although Archie’s wearing an oversized Scottish Football top from the 1978 World Cup, his face says he’s more Argentina than Airdrie. The two of them soak in the station like strangers in a strange land. A GUY, 20s, passes with a rugby top and kilt on. Archie smiles at Johnny. Johnny smiles, puts his arm around Archie as they head out of the station.


EXT. TAXI RANK – DAY
A neat tidy taxi rank – new cars – with trendy folks getting into them. The yuppie-fication of Scotland is not lost on Johnny.


INT. TAXI – DAY 
Johnny and Archie jump into the back seat of a taxi. The dozing DRIVER is wearing a balaclava and dark sunglasses.  The driver doesn’t move.

TAXI DRIVER I’ll be with you in a minute, just coming to. This is the best time for a sleep. I can't sleep at night – not with all that goes through my head. It’s always like my life getting played back to me by some terrorist. 

The driver eventually sits up. 

TAXI DRIVER (CONT’D) Oh well, another day another dollar, I suppose. Where to gentlemen? 
JOHNNY Bentick Street, if it’s still there.
TAXI DRIVER It’s still there, chief.
Archie is taken with the balaclava and dark sunglasses. He speaks in Spanish to his father. 

ARCHIE Spanish(What’s wrong with that man? Is he a ‘Bampot’ Dad?)  

All that we non-spanish speaking punters can understand is the word BAMPOT.

JOHNNY Spanish (Yes)

Johnny ruffles Archie’s hair:’that’s my boy’.

TAXI DRIVER I know what you’re thinking but you’d be wrong.
JOHNNY Would I? 
TAXI DRIVER It’s not a fashion statement. 
JOHNNY No? 
TAXI DRIVER No, see that fanny over there. 

Johnny leans over to look out the driver’s side window. A MAN with a camera is taking photographs of the taxi. 

TAXI DRIVER (CONT’D)  Government man. Thinks we’re all claiming social. 
JOHNNY  Are you? 
TAXI DRIVER Claiming? Aye, but that’s not the point, it’s the principal of the thing. It’s like that guy that  wrote big brother?
JOHNNY George Orwell.
TAXI DRIVER Simon Cowell.

The taxi pulls away from the rank.  


EXT. TAXI RANK – DAY 
The SOCIAL SECURITY MAN  takes photos of the taxi as it drives off. In the background TWO DRIVERS stand smoking, both wearing balaclavas and sun glasses.  As the taxi pulls away the driver gives the social security man ‘the finger’. The man turns to see an OLD WOMAN with a shopping trolly staring at him. 

SOCIAL MAN Get lost, Granny. 

She hits him with her umbrella. While the Social Security man is distracted with the old woman – the smoking taxi drivers lift their balaclavas in defiance. When the man turns back the balaclavas are already pulled down.  


EXT. STREET – DAY 
The taxi drives into Bentick Street. 


INT. TAXI – DAY      
     
 TAXI DRIVER Where on Bentick? 
 JOHNNY  Is the Hole In The Wall bar still there?  
 TAXI DRIVER  You been away a while then chief?    
JOHNNY You could say that.
 TAXI DRIVER It’s like that song, you know -’The Times they are a changing’ by that bloke?                
JOHNNY  Bob Dylan.
TAXI DRIVER Robbie Williams. The bar changed its name to Spendidos years ago. Gay Roddy still runs it ‘though. You know   him? 
JOHNNY Roddy McNeil? 
TAXI DRIVER Aye that’s the one. Tried to turn it into a gay pub last year but it never worked. 
JOHNNY How come? 
TAXI DRIVER Turns out, it was just a phase. His Maw found him in bed with Dirty Annie from Nelson Street. She was that disappointed. 
JOHNNY His Maw?
TAXI DRIVER Dirty Annie.


EXT. STREET – DAY 
The Taxi pulls up outside Spendidos pub. It’s seen better days.


INT. STREET – DAY
Johnny and Archie take their bags from the taxi. THREE SMOKERS stand outside.  Archie stares at the  men as his dad guides him into the pub.


INT. SPENDIDOS – DAY
This is a pub that can’t make up it’s mind what it wants to be. TWO OLD GUYS sit nursing whiskies. A MAN in leather gear with a handle bar moustache sits with a bottle of beer at the bar.   RODDY , 50s, is drying the glasses and watching the telly.  

RODDY Howdee. What’s it to be?
JOHNNY Just a coke. 
RODDY And for the midget? 
JOHNNY Spanish (What do you want to drink Archie?) 
ARCHIE Coca.
JOHNNY Two cokes.
RODDY The boy foreign, like?

Roddy snaps the lids off of two coke bottles. 

JOHNNY Born in Argentina. He’s my boy. His name’s Archie, as in Gemmell.
RODDY There’s a blast from the past. Don’t I recognise you? 
JOHNNY You should, we sat next to each other in school. You, me and the one that used to wet herself.
JOHNNY/RODDY Stinky Alison.
RODDY It’s not? No, it canny be? Johnny McIntyre. I thought you were dead.  (to the rest of the pub including the three smokers returning) Ladies and Gentlemen, this here is Johnny McIntyre – went to Argentina for the World Cup in 1978 and forgot to come home.  (to Johnny) Alec the Bus, said you’d been caught by pygmies who’d shrunk yer head.

The moustached man knocks the bar with his empty beer bottle. 

RODDY  (referring to the moustached man)  That’s Bogdan. Polish – can't speak a word of English. He thinks this is still a gay pub. I don’t  know how to tell him, we’ve gone straight. Anyway he spends well. Them two in the corner are always taking drink off him.

The two old geezers, holding up empty glasses, wink over at Bogdan. 

RODDY (CONT’D) I was sorry to hear about your Maw. 

JOHNNY   Stop the crap, Roddy. She was an animal.

Roddy puts a straw in a bottle of cola and hands it to Johnny.      

JOHNNY (CONT’D)   Spanish (Sit over at the table) 

Archie takes the cola and sits at an empty table. This wee boy is a credit to his old man. Johnny ‘necks’ the other bottle of cola down.

JOHNNY (CONT’D)   Aye, thanks.
RODDY  I take it she never met your kid?                
JOHNNY  No. He’s the youngest. I’ve got an older boy and girl in Argentina.

Roddy reaches up to the top shelf.

RODDY I mean when you didn’t come back for your Maw’s funeral, that’s when all the  stories   started.

Roddy blows dust off his favourite bottle of whisky. 

RODDY (CONT’D)   You’ll have a wee drink with me, Johnny?  
JOHNNY Gave it up.
RODDY Whisky or the drink?
JOHNNY Everything.
RODDY Mind you, you always were the worst drinker in the world. 
JOHNNY See that’s why I stopped. If Mother Theresa had got drunk one night, everything else would  have gone out the window and that’s all they’d remember.

Roddy pours himself a large one. They clink glass/bottle.

RODDY   Old times.
JOHNNY Good times.

Roddy knocks the drink back then rummages through a drawer.

RODDY   I think I’ve still got it. Aye, here we are.

Roddy slaps a key on the bar top.   

JOHNNY   The key for the place upstairs? 
RODDY Your maw said you’d be back. She wouldn’t let anyone say you were dead. I haven’t been up there since the funeral. Although I can hear moving about from time to time and I don’t think it’s a ghost.


INT. JADA’S HOUSE. CELLAR – DAY
Hanging upside down and his ankles tied to a butcher’s hook is a MAN IN HIS TWENTIES. A pair of hands pulls the man back. He is terrified. 

ANDY (O.C.) Aye, you’re not talking so much now?
MAN I said, I’m sorry, what else can I do? 

ANDY MCINTYRE , 50, thinks he’s better dressed than he is. Actually , he thinks he’s Brad Pitt.

ANDY Give me the money you took or else.
MAN Or else what? You’re going to make all the blood rush to my head?

The two hands holding the man belong to TESCO. He’s in his twenties and another idiot. 

ANDY  Right Tesco, let the wee jobby swing. 
MAN Nooooooo….

The man is pushed towards the middle of the room where there are bowling skittles.
The man’s head knocks down eight of them. 

ANDY Not bad. Though you’ve left yourself with a one, ten split. Not an easy second shot. 

Andy pushes the upside down man into the hands of Tesco who, once again pulls the man back.  The man’s face is looking up at Tesco.

MAN  How come they call you Tesco? 
ANDY (O.C) He’s been shopped that many times.
TESCO Hey, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to concentrate. 
MAN Look, hitting those skittles with my face hurts.
TESCO It’s meant to!
MAN I didn’t mean to say your maw looked liked Susan Boyle. It was the drink talking. 
TESCO Oh we can all use that as an excuse.

Tesco lines up the swinging man with the skittles, then pushes him out to the side. The man hits down one skittle with his face and then swings back hitting down the other. All the time, the man is screaming like a big girl.

TESCO (CONT’D) A spare!

ANDY I can’t enjoy this match with all his screaming. Tape his mouth up. Tell you what, you carry on, I’m away to check on Bomber.

INT. JOHNNY’S MOTHER’S FLAT – DAY
A key in the door. Johnny and Archie enter a flat that was once loved.
LOUNGE There are covers over the furniture.  Archie picks up a photo of a younger Johnny, Andy and their mother. Johnny points.

JOHNNY That was me.

It brings a smile to Archie’s little face. 

JOHNNY (CONT’D) That’s my brother…Spanish (My brother, Andy, your Uncle and that old witch is your Granny).

And for the first time since setting foot in good old Scotland, Archie tries a bit of English.

ARCHIE Where? She? 
JOHNNY She, dead….Spanish (dead)… (to himself) Gone to hell hopefully.

Next to it is a well thumbed note book – on the cover “Clients – Money owed”. 

JOHNNY (CONT’D) Moneylending to the end, you old witch.

A NOISE from the next room. The book is discarded. Archie is about to push the door open when Johnny catches him.  Johnny signals to Archie to keep quiet. 


BEDROOM

To say this room looks like NASA Control would not be underestimating it.
COMPUTERS and all the paraphernalia that surrounds are almost suffocating the room. In the corner sits BOMBER, 24, with headphones listening to some unheard music. His head is jiggling as he stretches back on a seat with his legs on a table.  

Johnny lifts a couple of the DVDs that Bomber is duplicating. Cheap porn. “HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSPHER’S STIFFY”, “CHUBBY CHASERS ALMANAC” and then in amongst the trash is “SCOTLAND’S WORLD CUP VICTORIES”. 

JOHNNY (CONT’D) Now that is pornographic. 

Archie’s eyes are like saucers looking at some of the front covers. Johnny knocks the seat away from Bomber.

BOMBER What the……

Bomber is lying on the floor and attempts to sit up. Johnny presses his head with his foot.

JOHNNY Me first. Who are you? 
ANDY (O.C.) Hands up.
JOHNNY That old one,sticking a screwdriver into bloke’s back and pretending it’s a gun. Still a tit then, Andrew?

Sure enough Andy has crept in the room and stuck the handle of a screwdriver into Johnny’s back. Andy has his hand over Archie’s mouth. The screwdriver gets dropped and Archie’s mouth released.

ANDY Johnny? 
JOHNNY Aye, Johnny. 
ANDY Bloody hell…
BOMBER Who’s Johnny?
ANDY …my big brother. 
BOMBER I didn’t know you had a brother.
ANDY He ran away to join the army,  Ally’s Tartan bleedin’  Army.

END of INTRO